Oui Wii Love

Written 1-2-07

With the introduction of the new Nintendo Wii game console, an effusive uprising of puns having to do with a certain part of the male body has occurred. Gaming nerds across the nation (and even in other nations) are lovingly spewing puns right and left, with effulgent and entirely blissful looks on their faces. It’s rather, if I may say, a fun trend.

First there was one type of Wii gamer: The one who was eagerly awaiting the new system and its supreme magnificence. After awhile however, the humor of the console’s name set in and the general gamer dichotomized into

Casimer Dimitri

Written 12-13-05

Casimer Dimitri was stalking the girl along a sidewalk in some town or another. It was paramount that he eventually catch her, because he had a need to talk to her . . . badly. Contrary to an outsider’s probable belief however, Casimer Dimitri was not a reprobate and had no wish to defile the girl in any way, but in fact to do just the opposite.

Casimer Dimitri thought back over all the months he had stalked the girl (whose name, he had discovered, was Liza). Over a period of time, he’d viewed all her minor idiosyncrasies, such as her tendency to grind her teeth when

A Story With No Point

Written 10-18-05

The young woman with little feet gingerly stepped closer to the statue of the lion, afraid to touch it due to its large size. She was standing outside of the mansion, too frightened to go in, even though she knew she had to eventually. She stepped up to the stars…oh excuse me…stairs– although with her current feelings, it might as well be stars, for she felt as if she were floating on air. Not, however, from happiness, but rather a sense quite anomalous in her life; that of shock. Her uncle had died.

Climbing the stairs (she figured out that they were, in fact, really stairs), she stopped

The Fish-Sucking Blood Aliens

Written 10-10-05

Ronald of the Fish-Sucking Blood Alien tribe woke up one morning and mentally prepared for his day. He’d been waiting a long time for this event. Today was the day that he would travel to Earth.

He jumped out of his cubby-hole bed and stretched his two left tentacles around his waist. Then he started to think about his route to getting where he was now. For 185 years, Ronald had dreamed of achieving the opportunity of going to the far-off Earth and doing a bit of terrorizing. However, it had been a hard road, for while Ronald was quite gregarious

The Homicidal Printer

Written sometime in ‘06

My family bought a new printer the other day, because our former one, nearing ten years of age died finally. Which I was thankful of, because the printer was beginning to act like a stubborn pet. It worked, but one had to put one sheet of paper in at a time, while it slowly considered if it should gobble up the paper or not . . . and this was a problem if I was printing out something over five or ten pages long. I was convinced that the obviously possessed printer would usurp my body and claim my life if it wasn’t taken care of soon. I was about ready to send the stupid thing on a permanent hiatus when suddenly it just clean broke.

The big day came when my dad bought the new printer at Costco, the Hundred Dollar Store. When brought home, the printer seemed

Rubyourtoz Valley

Written 11-29-05

The epic quest had begun. Fourteen wise travelers had decided, near the end of the placid age and the start of troubled times, to arrange a journey in the hopes of finding a cure for the land’s rupture.

For years, life in the beautiful Rubyourtoz Valley had thrived wonderfully; the growth of agriculture had been plentiful, and the joy of the subjects was eminent. Centuries of happiness had made the land into a decorum that all other

The Invasion of the Quibees

Written 11-7-05

Rita was outwardly the paragon of the perfect person; she never insulted anyone, she had a great and calm attitude towards any situation, and was nice to anyone she met. She was emulated by others who wanted dearly to be like her. However, she was secretly EVIL INSIDE! Perhaps not evil, but she definitely had contrasting personalities, the impious side of which she never showed around anyone but her best friend.

The one cruel obsession that Rita loved the most, was calling bombastic, stuck-up people mean names. Out of all those she had made up in the past, her absolute favorite was “Quibee.” Which, according to her, meant

Gilford Gutbin Part III

Written 2-7-06

Gilford’s identity had been secured; he was now officially accepted as a “real live person” and given that status. The evil plan that Lulu and Georgia had made up seemed to be inviolable, there was nobody disbelieving that Gilford was a real person and the girls were both feeling quite complacent about the whole deal.

This is where things truly went wrong. One day the girls got together to dye their hair (done at home because they were skinflints and too cheap to go to the hairdresser). The colors each used had hardly a nuance

Gilford Gutbin Part II

Written 1-31-06

Gilford Gutbin in all his college-lined-paper glory had been created. Lulu and Georgia, Gilford’s creators, were elated with their newfound friend. Following that fateful period was lunch, to which Gilford was lovingly escorted.

For an entire half hour, Gilford made irregular appearances over the side of the lunch table, accompanied with giggles from the two girls. A few of their table mates, with whom Lulu and Georgia shared amity, but did not really know well,

Gilford Gutbin Part I

Written 1-18-06

World history. The scene of the crime. Two girls named Lulu and Georgia sat at the far left of the classroom, in the second table from the front. One day, the unthinkable happened. Bored out of their mind from just dourly sitting on their chairs like rag dolls and listening to the teacher day in and day out, the girls decided that they would use their latent existence for something more fun.

Slowly the idea of writing notes back and forth occurred to Georgia and Lulu. While the teacher was tediously lecturing about phalanxes,

More Out-There Conspiracy Theories

Written 11-28-06

I am confident that there is a plot against all mankind. A plot arranged by a fleet of erudite hair bands, cheap ballpoint pens, and socks. In fact, I’m quite surprised that we’ve been fortuitous enough to avoid our awful fate thus far. For surely, as soon as those hair bands, ballpoint pens, and socks complete their plan, a fusillade of their numbers will come flying at us, destroying us worse than a Daphne du Maurier story.

My (faulty) reasoning behind this theory is that those three items are

Invasion of the Depressed Freaks

Written (perfunctorily) 4-25-06

I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom one day. For the last few hours I had argued indefatigably with my parents over whether I should clean the house or not. Eventually I let the supercilious side of me come out and I stalked away in a huff, thinking that my parents knew nothing. Obviously I was acting quite indolent, thinking I was above the task of cleaning the house, but not realizing my indolence, I felt my parents accusations of me being so were quite unsubstantiated.

So as I mentioned, I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, when I suddenly realized

The Obligatory Anti-War Rant

Written 3-14-06

I am somewhat of a cynic, especially when it comes to my views on war. I believe that wars are started mainly for the benefit of certain influential individuals, though intentions may be disguised as “what’s best for the country.” Politicians and leaders involved act disingenuous when asked to explain their reasons for pursuing war. They have ostensible explanations for many things, and one can never properly determine what is truth and what is skewed. One example is our current President, a deeply religious man, who seems to have made a covenant with God to try and take over random countries in Asia. Why he feels this need I can only

Magnus the Midget

Written 5-9-06

Magnus the candy-less midget always suffered from acrimonious insults thrown at him by people who, well . . . weren’t midgets. One passing by Magnus’ tiny house would often hear him in a tirade about how much he loathed people who picked on him. Oh how he dreamed of living a halcyon life, where there would be no suffering at the hands of stupid individuals who yelled insults and offenses. Amazingly, this was to pass.

One day as Magnus was laying on his front porch, listless from the summer heat, a child walked past him. She was tossing a small box in the air with

A Jungle Without George

Written 5-2-06

We walked through the jungle. The jungle could scare anyone but a good way to remain at least slightly unfazed is to pretend that the path being taken is nothing more than an English country road, unsullied by the poison of snakes or by insects that drop from steaming trees. Hard though it is to ignore the frightening aspects of the jungle, it’s certainly possible and oh-so-rewarding when ones fear is overcome and indomitable bravery sets in.

Trekking through the jungle is an insatiable pleasure; as my group ventured

Final Fantasy FanFiction

Written 4-18-06 [When I say FanFiction, I mean that this is very loosely based on Final Fantasy...the use of the name "Cloud" and his possession of a giant sword are really the only similarities to the FF7 saga.]

Cloud stalked across the great plains with his giant sword. Before a warrior, he was now accustomed to being a loner, and lived off the land, killing creatures when needed. He had become rather taciturn in this time, for what friends he used to have, betrayed him, and Cloud felt no real need to express himself to the rest of the world.

For the past few years Cloud had reflected on the circumstances that got him in that state. He was one of the top warriors in the land, a leader whom everyone looked up to. He was in charge of about one-third of the other warriors and led a great

Observations on Posture

Written 1-19-07

If there is one thing that shows what a person thinks of him or herself, it is the way they carry themselves. I believe that there is a tacit understanding among all mankind on how to treat a person based on one’s physical attitude. Vocal communication is the most direct and obvious way to learn what someone is like, but sometimes simply studying people’s bodily manners can reveal even more.

In the highschool environment, the most obvious mannerism is the flirty attitude.

Licorice Tea

Written 3-7-06

Slowly I poured the boiling water into the mug, watching lovingly as the water strained into the cup and through the loose tea, filling the mug to the brim. This was my newest obsession: licorice tea.

My dad has been very into loose tea lately. I’ve always gone for tea bags, which are far easier to use, but one day I decided to see what the big deal was, and opted for loose tea. Loose licorice tea. Best choice I’ve ever made. One wouldn’t think so, but it’s

To Draw or to Write? That is the Question.

Written 4-25-06

To draw or to write? This very moment, with paper placed in front of me, holds a decision. Between which of two arts will I choose? Yes, I have already began the process of writing but still I could revoke my decision. There’s nearly an entire page of blank space to exert my artesian energy upon. How shall I express myself?

To write. Though I dearly love artwork in the drawing or painting form, the music I hear when pen-point connects paper is closer

The Toilet Monster

Created a decade ago, written 4-4-06

This is the story of a tragedy and the horror that is known as the Toilet Monster. It all started out one dark and stormy day, of course. Molly the eight-year-old girl had invited three of her friends to her house for a sleepover that night and was waiting for them to arrive. Finally she heard a knock on the door and opened it. Each girl was standing on the porch, looking utterly tired and ragged.

“What happened to you?” she asked.

One of the girls, Harriot, answered. “We got mugged by a