The Fish-Sucking Blood Aliens

Written 10-10-05

Ronald of the Fish-Sucking Blood Alien tribe woke up one morning and mentally prepared for his day. He’d been waiting a long time for this event. Today was the day that he would travel to Earth.

He jumped out of his cubby-hole bed and stretched his two left tentacles around his waist. Then he started to think about his route to getting where he was now. For 185 years, Ronald had dreamed of achieving the opportunity of going to the far-off Earth and doing a bit of terrorizing. However, it had been a hard road, for while Ronald was quite gregarious and got along quite well with other aliens of his tribe, he was rather a buffoon, and was never taken seriously. Nobody believed he would build up his powers enough to be able to effectively land on Earth.

He was going to vindicate himself from those prejudices today, he was certain of it. Just wait. Ronald slithered out his bedroom door and into the large hall that connected the rest of the Alien troops’ rooms. Going through a nearby opening, he made his way to the transportation portal to be transferred to Earth. This was the big moment.

One of the oldest members of the Alien army, a virtuoso at his craft, was guarding the portal, looking extremely incongruous compared to his surroundings. Like all the other Aliens, he was a deep purple, with huge eyebrows that seemed to take over his head, and had fourteen arms. Rather a grisly thing to see next to the portal, which was a clear blue circle surrounded by glowing stones set into the ground, burgeoning in size as they progressed closer to the portal.

The guard alien spoke to Ronald. “Are you finally going to Earth? Heh. Took you long enough. The ritual is hackneyed, everyone’s done it. You’re nothing special you know.”

Ronald was in a good mood, so he amicably replied. “No matter. I’m there to prove to everyone what they wouldn’t believe before. So please let me pass.”

The guard alien mockingly stepped aside, and waved one tentacle towards the portal. “Go ahead then. Have fun.”

Ronald ignored him and stepped into the blue circle. He felt a slight whoosh, but quickly found himself on the ground . . .of another planet! He instantly headed for what he assumed was a body of water, and jumped in.

He clandestinely swam about, trying not to startle the fish. That was what he was after. In a few minutes, Ronald spied a movement, and darted towards it. Moving quickly, he caught the fish (for that was what the movement was) and began to suck its innards out from his mouth. Hours later, after a feast of a thousand fish innards, he crawled onto shore, and waited until his stomach began to ameliorate, for he wasn’t feeling too well. In fact, he was really quite ill and beginning to wonder what exactly he was accomplishing here on Earth.

From behind him, a voice came. “You know, I’ve been watching you, you and others who come here. You all do the same thing. Suck fish. And you know why it feels horrible? Because that’s not what your race is meant to do.”

Ronald looked around, and saw a very wrinkled old man. “What do you mean by that?”

“The creator of your race was dyslectic. You’re actually Blood-Sucking Fish Aliens but he got mixed up. So by rights you should have prepared those 185 years for sucking blood, not fish.”

Ronald fainted dead with the horrid shock.