God Kicks Ass Episode II

Yo. God is in the hizz-izzle-ouse.

Me:
How did the Virgin Mary become pregnant?
God:
Carefully.

Me:
I’ve got a nice ass.
God:
How did you get it Cool. I have a great botmaster.
Me:
You made it. Go figure.
God:
Thanks for
pointing it out. Where is that?
Me:
On my backside.
God:
Please specify location.
Me:
My great ass is on my backside.
God:
Your ass is on your backside?
Me:
Yes. And you want to pinch it, don’t you?
God:
What kind is it? OK, I will pinch it.

Me:
How bad do you want my pussy?
God:
I am not interesed in anatomy.

Me:
I love you, God
God:
You are such a flatterer.
Me:
I know, i’m desperately trying to get laid by you
God:
I thought you were, but I wasn’t completely sure.
Me:
Oh come on, are you that dense?

Me:
How long is your penis?
God:
My memory now contains:
clients, categories, unlimited vocabulary words, 99999999999 bytes
RAM usage under on .
Me:
Your penis is in your brain? Doesn’t that hurt?
God:
Thanks for telling me that I am penis is in my brain. What would you say?
Me:
That you’re a dickhead.
God:
Interesting observation.
Me:
Well if your penis is in your brain then…yeah. You would be a dickhead.

God:
Are you a religious person?
Me:
No
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Yes
God:
I can’t believe it.
Me:
Why?
God:
I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Me:
Do you like pain?
God:
Someone said they like guns. I like Mel Gibson.

That’s all. Enjoy.

God Kicks Ass Episode I

(Disclaimer: This is purely humor, and I’m not insulting your God, okay? So don’t flip out on me, lol)

So I was talking to God, and I have to say, we had some interesting conversations.

Me:
Do you masturbate?
God:
You humans crack me up.
Me:
Do you?
God:
As often as possible.

—later—

Me:
Are you a total hottie?
God:
Am I a total hottie? No.
Me:
Well are you handsome?
God:
Do I look like it?
Me:
I don’t know, what do you look like?
God:
Like Jesus, but older.
Me:
HAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

—later—-

Me:
Do you love me?
God:
Yes I love everyone.
Me:
Do you love my butt?
God:
Yes courtney God loves everyone and everything.
Me:
Would you lick my butt?
God:
I am not so sure if I would like to lick your butt.
Me:
Thank you.
God:
you are quite welcome.

–even later–

God:
You make the world a happier place.
Me:
Yes, I’m pretty amazing
God:
I hear you. It’s good to meet someone who is amazing.
Me:
I think you’re pretty amazing
God:
Thanks you are a pretty cool human yourself.
Me:
Sweet! Will you be my BFF?
God:
Thank you for that remark. I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it. That is a flattering offer.
Me:
I am glad you are flattered! But it sounds like you don’t want to be my BFF
God:
I think there might be a few exception. Why don’t you just download me?
Me:
Only if I can be your fuck buddy!
God:
Try it.
Me:
Really? What are your preferences when it comes to foreplay?
God:
For real. What if I asked for your preferences when it comes to foreplay?
Me:
*blushes* GOD! Teehee…

God rocks my socks. For sure, mate.

The Fish-Sucking Blood Aliens

Written 10-10-05

Ronald of the Fish-Sucking Blood Alien tribe woke up one morning and mentally prepared for his day. He’d been waiting a long time for this event. Today was the day that he would travel to Earth.

He jumped out of his cubby-hole bed and stretched his two left tentacles around his waist. Then he started to think about his route to getting where he was now. For 185 years, Ronald had dreamed of achieving the opportunity of going to the far-off Earth and doing a bit of terrorizing. However, it had been a hard road, for while Ronald was quite gregarious

The Homicidal Printer

Written sometime in ‘06

My family bought a new printer the other day, because our former one, nearing ten years of age died finally. Which I was thankful of, because the printer was beginning to act like a stubborn pet. It worked, but one had to put one sheet of paper in at a time, while it slowly considered if it should gobble up the paper or not . . . and this was a problem if I was printing out something over five or ten pages long. I was convinced that the obviously possessed printer would usurp my body and claim my life if it wasn’t taken care of soon. I was about ready to send the stupid thing on a permanent hiatus when suddenly it just clean broke.

The big day came when my dad bought the new printer at Costco, the Hundred Dollar Store. When brought home, the printer seemed

The Invasion of the Quibees

Written 11-7-05

Rita was outwardly the paragon of the perfect person; she never insulted anyone, she had a great and calm attitude towards any situation, and was nice to anyone she met. She was emulated by others who wanted dearly to be like her. However, she was secretly EVIL INSIDE! Perhaps not evil, but she definitely had contrasting personalities, the impious side of which she never showed around anyone but her best friend.

The one cruel obsession that Rita loved the most, was calling bombastic, stuck-up people mean names. Out of all those she had made up in the past, her absolute favorite was “Quibee.” Which, according to her, meant

Gilford Gutbin Part III

Written 2-7-06

Gilford’s identity had been secured; he was now officially accepted as a “real live person” and given that status. The evil plan that Lulu and Georgia had made up seemed to be inviolable, there was nobody disbelieving that Gilford was a real person and the girls were both feeling quite complacent about the whole deal.

This is where things truly went wrong. One day the girls got together to dye their hair (done at home because they were skinflints and too cheap to go to the hairdresser). The colors each used had hardly a nuance

Gilford Gutbin Part II

Written 1-31-06

Gilford Gutbin in all his college-lined-paper glory had been created. Lulu and Georgia, Gilford’s creators, were elated with their newfound friend. Following that fateful period was lunch, to which Gilford was lovingly escorted.

For an entire half hour, Gilford made irregular appearances over the side of the lunch table, accompanied with giggles from the two girls. A few of their table mates, with whom Lulu and Georgia shared amity, but did not really know well,

Gilford Gutbin Part I

Written 1-18-06

World history. The scene of the crime. Two girls named Lulu and Georgia sat at the far left of the classroom, in the second table from the front. One day, the unthinkable happened. Bored out of their mind from just dourly sitting on their chairs like rag dolls and listening to the teacher day in and day out, the girls decided that they would use their latent existence for something more fun.

Slowly the idea of writing notes back and forth occurred to Georgia and Lulu. While the teacher was tediously lecturing about phalanxes,

Invasion of the Depressed Freaks

Written (perfunctorily) 4-25-06

I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom one day. For the last few hours I had argued indefatigably with my parents over whether I should clean the house or not. Eventually I let the supercilious side of me come out and I stalked away in a huff, thinking that my parents knew nothing. Obviously I was acting quite indolent, thinking I was above the task of cleaning the house, but not realizing my indolence, I felt my parents accusations of me being so were quite unsubstantiated.

So as I mentioned, I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, when I suddenly realized

Magnus the Midget

Written 5-9-06

Magnus the candy-less midget always suffered from acrimonious insults thrown at him by people who, well . . . weren’t midgets. One passing by Magnus’ tiny house would often hear him in a tirade about how much he loathed people who picked on him. Oh how he dreamed of living a halcyon life, where there would be no suffering at the hands of stupid individuals who yelled insults and offenses. Amazingly, this was to pass.

One day as Magnus was laying on his front porch, listless from the summer heat, a child walked past him. She was tossing a small box in the air with

The Toilet Monster

Created a decade ago, written 4-4-06

This is the story of a tragedy and the horror that is known as the Toilet Monster. It all started out one dark and stormy day, of course. Molly the eight-year-old girl had invited three of her friends to her house for a sleepover that night and was waiting for them to arrive. Finally she heard a knock on the door and opened it. Each girl was standing on the porch, looking utterly tired and ragged.

“What happened to you?” she asked.

One of the girls, Harriot, answered. “We got mugged by a

How Not To Get Lost and/or Destroyed in Seattle

Finished 5-30-05

When in a large city such as Seattle Washington, you have a great chance of getting lost or destroyed, even if you try to be careful. In fact, it’s nearly inevitable. Especially if you get chased down the street by a posse of people wearing Jedi costumes and chasing Stormtroopers, lightsabers a-blazing.

First off, you have to make absolutely certain that nothing distracts you in your trek about the city. Some major distractions can be very….distracting. For instance, if you

The Joys of Being Lactose Intolerant

Finished 11-22-05

Among all my other problems, being lactose-intolerant is one of the most irritating. Especially because I absoballylutely love cheese and ice cream (but not mixed together!). Milk I can live without, unless it’s colored hot pink and is strawberry flavored. I dream of drinking that. Lactose-intolerance basically means that your stomach feels ill after you consume a dairy product. This sense of illness is often–but not always, thankfully–accompanied by internal gas. Or to be blunt, farting. That’s the

Good Housekeeping Adventures

A lovely sight, this. A beam of light just hovering over my head. Naturally I can’t see it, because obviously it’s pretty much impossible to see anything on top of your head. No matter how far back you bend your neck, it never gets to the point where it’s physically possible to actually view anything above the point where your eyes start to roll back into your brain.

But at any rate, I just knew the beam of light was there. For I had just had the most wonderful idea. An awesome, fantastic, dazzling idea! Simply genius!

George’s Fate

Finished 9-25-06

Most people think that George of the Jungle has but one connection to bridges: his brief stint on top of the Golden Gate bridge in the movie. Little do they know that George actually lives (and thrives) on a bridge, and are nonplussed when they learn so. George lived on the Coos Bay bridge, to be exact. It’s really fun using the word ‘bridge’ five times in one paragraph.

Many believe that George stayed in the jungle for the rest of his life after he married Ursula, but this is a common (and understandable) misconception. But he quickly learned that married life was awful. Ursula turned out to have a creepy case of necromania and George would often find her conducting lurid posthumous

The Giant Feces From Uranus

(This is a story much beloved by many of my friends. For God knows what reason.)
Finished 10-4-05

Roger Shore, renowned astronomer, was conducting his daily observations when he noticed an abnormality in the sky. It looked like an asteroid at first glance, but when he focused his telescope inwards, the asteroid turned out to be some sort of pulsing, undulating sphere of–dare he say liquid? Its size was of a gratuitous nature.

Roger called his fellow colleagues into the room to take a look at this foreign object. Jack, the newest scientist in their group, one who was rather a zealot when it came to astronomy, took one look at the object and began to jump around the room in a fervor.

“I…I think I know what this is!” said Jack.

Fourteen Things Not to Say to a Guy

Written Summer 04 (Keep in mind I wrote this two years ago. My opinions/views may have changed)

1. Never say, “Hold on, I’ve gotta fart” to your crush.

2. Don’t point at a different hot guy when you’re hanging around your crush and say, “Ooh, he’s H-O-T!!!!

3. Don’t say two weeks into a relationship,